Not plastering related guys but I'm in a s**t place at the minute wife's had 2 miscarriages in 6 months and she's now saying she thinks it best we go our own way, she doesn't know if it's for good or just for now, we already have 3 kids but she's saying she feels broken and her heads all over the place, I've told her I'm here for her and in it together but she's saying only her can help herself, wtf do I do. f**k**g gutted.
Not plastering related, but could do with some personal advice please.
- Thread starter loky11
- Start date
MakeItSmooth
Well-Known Member
Really sorry to hear that, mate. That's rough, for both of you.
I can only suggest you give her the space she's asking for, and reiterate what you've already told her - i.e. that you love her and will be there for her, if she needs you.
Perhaps something proactive for you to do could be to help her access counseling or a support group of people who've gone through the same thing, so she doesn't feel isolated in her grief.
Thanks mate, she said she's tried to get counciling but with covid it's hard at the minute and she'd rather do face to face, I feel lost and don't know how to cope with it, she's adamant we separate until she knows what she wants, she said she never wanted it to come to this but unfortunately it has.
MakeItSmooth
Well-Known Member
I'm not a counselor, but I would suggest that even though it is gut-wrenching, you also need to look after your own psychological health, even though, at the same time, you care very much about your partner's psychological health.
In order to look after your own psychological health, I suggest you will need to find the courage to honestly face the possible reality that your partner might end up associating the grief with your relationship. Hopefully that won't happen, but it's better that you don't hide from that possibility, because if you hide from the possibility, it may hit you like a ton of bricks if it does become reality. I want to stress that this isn't about being pessimistic - it's just about steadying yourself about one possible outcome, so that you can at least be somewhat prepared for it, mentally.
I don't mean that your relationship was in any way to blame. I mean that sometimes when people go through a traumatic experience, they may associate it with something that was also present during the trauma, even though they logically understand that that something wasn't actually to blame for the traumatic experience.
As far as counseling and support groups, I can totally understand your partner's preference for face to face talking, but as a second best, perhaps video conferencing might be of some help? Undoubtedly, many other people are going through the same experience at the moment, and where there's a need for support, there's usually some way to provide it, even if it's just a support group set up by those who've had the same experience.
Also, remember to communicate with your children as openly as you reasonably can, rather than keeping everything behind closed doors. They will be going through trauma, too, and, just like you and your partner, they need not to feel isolated, too. You can't prevent them being traumatised by the situation, but making the effort to provide them with open communication could make an enormous difference to how well they handle the situation.
Lastlaff
Well-Known Member
All I know is when the missus has a problem her friend just ‘cuddle her’ and say ‘nothing’... they don’t want solutions, they only want empathy.
Maybe @JessThePlasterer can help out?
Maybe @JessThePlasterer can help out?
I'm trying to get on with things but finding it really hard, she's saying no one can help her only herself that can do it. I've moved to my parents for now, I love her to bits and she knows it, she said she can't fault me and I'm not the problem, she is, kids are still young they won't understand yet.
smoother09
Well-Known Member
That’s really sad to hear! Very hard to give advice on something like this! I don’t think breaking up is the answer I think maybe coucilng for her would be a idea? I mean 3 kids already is a success and more than most people have so remind her how lucky you both are! There's women that can't have any at all.
MakeItSmooth
Well-Known Member
Don't know how young your children are, but please don't underestimate young'uns - they've got a lot more going on in their minds than we adults tend to realise/remember
No matter how young they are, they will be feeling scared and helpless about the current situation, and having one or both parents willing to openly engage with them about their thoughts and feelings, rather than having to suffer their thoughts and feelings on their own, could make a huge difference in how they handle the situation. Young children have very impressionable minds (I won't bore you with the technicalities, but there are very specific reasons for this). A person can carry childhood trauma and psychological scars subconsciously throughout their adult life. Therefore, it is so important to provide children with a means to talk things over, at whatever level they are able, even if they are only 4 yrs old, for example.
I don't mean discussing miscarriage, as such, but more along the lines of their fears and anguish about mum & dad seperating, etc., and being reassured that whatever happens, both mum & dad will still love them and see them regularly, etc. Also keep in mind, that it's not as simple as just telling them that - it needs to be a 2-way dialogue, not just a 1-way reassurance.
JessThePlasterer
Queen Jess Elizabeth I
I think it’s more useful asking someone questions without giving a personal opinion on their situation. Literally walk them through it and make them think about how they think or feel about something and why that is.
my mate is great at this. She’s trained in how to talk to people though through volunteer work.
smoother09
Well-Known Member
That’s very true!Don't know how young your children are, but please don't underestimate young'uns - they've got a lot more going on in their minds than we adults tend to realise/remember
No matter how young they are, they will be feeling scared and helpless about the current situation, and having one or both parents willing to openly engage with them about their thoughts and feelings, rather than having to suffer their thoughts and feelings on their own, could make a huge difference in how they handle the situation. Young children have very impressionable minds (I won't bore you with the technicalities, but there are very specific reasons for this). A person can carry childhood trauma and psychological scars subconsciously throughout their adult life. Therefore, it is so important to provide children with a means to talk things over, at whatever level they are able, even if they are only 4 yrs old, for example.
Thanks, I've said this to her and she just says is that mean to make me feel better, I've tried to comfort her etc.
I don't want opinions which I'm sure youl already know, I just want abit of advice, ill openly admit I'm a wet tart when it comes to her because she's the love of my life and only want to spend it with her, but at the moment I feel used, useless, and not wanted by some I've been with for 13 years and married 3 years we've got a house together and 3 kids, I honestly can't imagine all that being thrown away, I don't want to keep pestering her if she needs space but at the same time, I dying to talk to her.
smoother09
Well-Known Member
Sometimes as a bloke you gotta take a backseat! Understand the female phychy and you've cracked it! Man's invented everything been to the moon the lot but we still can't fathom women's minds out! I literally have nothing for you but I do hope it works out mate! Keep ya chin up x
I feel for you, you'll sort it, there's no such thing as a smooth run, the kids you have got are the best therapy when hard times hit they bring a bit of joy no matter what the circumstance.
JessThePlasterer
Queen Jess Elizabeth I
@loky11 im sorry to hear that love. What a head f**k!
my heart goes out to you both.
assuming you’ve had a good relationship this far, it sounds like she might be going through depression, which would be completely understandable.
she should seek advice from her GP as a first step.
and if you do separate, don’t lose heart. It doesn’t mean it’s permanent. Just that she is not feeling herself after going through a hard time and needs some help.
I think sometimes when someone feels like they’ve had an utter loss of control (over their life, their body, their health etc) then they try to take control back wherever they can. In this situation she can decide to take a step back.
It ain’t over til it’s over.
just continue to be a solid consistent presence and comfort. Whether you’re living in the same space or not
hope it all works out for you! No reason to think it won’t with a little bit of time
my heart goes out to you both.
assuming you’ve had a good relationship this far, it sounds like she might be going through depression, which would be completely understandable.
she should seek advice from her GP as a first step.
and if you do separate, don’t lose heart. It doesn’t mean it’s permanent. Just that she is not feeling herself after going through a hard time and needs some help.
I think sometimes when someone feels like they’ve had an utter loss of control (over their life, their body, their health etc) then they try to take control back wherever they can. In this situation she can decide to take a step back.
It ain’t over til it’s over.
just continue to be a solid consistent presence and comfort. Whether you’re living in the same space or not
hope it all works out for you! No reason to think it won’t with a little bit of time
smoother09
Well-Known Member
By the laws of nature women are maternal creatures and if she has it in her head to have another child that just isn't going away its a real head f**k for you I bet you don't know what the f**k to do for best just remember it's not your fault! It's life fella can be harsh but if you think the world of her do ya best to keep it together!
Thank you soo much mate, mean alot and your absolutely spot on with what you said, she keeps things bottled up and puts a hard face on for the kids and work, I can't do it I feel a wreck.
Thanks jess, I'm trying my hardest to do what's right by us all, she's tried to get counselling I think but has to go through gp.
I'm not giving up on her and I've told her that, I think she could be depressed aswell tbh, I think it also help to hear advice coming from a women.
I've said to her we can keep trying and she said she can't keep doing it and going through this, which I understand but feel I'm getting pushed away when we should be in it together
MakeItSmooth
Well-Known Member
Unfortunately, it would very probably be counterproductive to force the issue.
If she's telling you she needs space, then I'd listen to her, even though your emotions are resisting doing that.
JessThePlasterer
Queen Jess Elizabeth I
That’s all you can do, not give up. And she has a responsibility to you and the family to give it her all too. Which means going to her GP and pursuing help
I’d tell her it’s ok to feel how she feels though. The less blame and guilt and judgement we let someone else feel the more they open up and talk and the better they feel.
I’d repeat what smoother said. This isn’t your fault. Nor is it hers. Just needs to be professionally dealt with. Then hopefully you’ll all be back on track together
SmoothCriminal
Well-Known Member
Totally agree here.. it’s not like you don’t have kids. My girlfriend does beauty an when she talks to girls who have 3 kids etc they feel they have to keep going as the thought of not having any more baby’s gives them a sense of panic/anxiety of some sort. I don’t know could be something worth looking into.
I know mate, I'm going to do my best to give her the space, I hate this feeling and wouldn't wish it on anyone, my heart aches
I really hope we have a happy ending, she said she's not happy and she can't be with me until she's happy, It's the not knowing if we will get back together or not that I'm finding the hardest, really don't want to loose her, I've told her it's non of our fault but she keeps blaming her self.
smoother09
Well-Known Member
Fking 1 was enough with me thought of 3 makes me feel sick! Guess that's why that one ended over 20 years ago or maybe the fact I was a complete player and wouldn't settle down may have sommat to do with it
the naivety of youth I suppose!
We spoke about having kids ages ago and I said I didn't want one coz after the forth shel want another and she said she wouldn't, she fell pregnant in October last year and we agreed to keep it, then not long after came the miscarriage, she didn't deal with that one very well at all, we had a fall out in February, we decided to give things a go again, then in March she had the second miscarriage which I think has topped all of her emotions.
Thanks John, I'm hoping she gets the help she needs quick, I don't want her to suffer one her own, but I need to respect the fact she needs space, I've also questions weather there someone else involved which I don't think there is, but it's always at the back of my mind.
I can't even bare to think about work either at the moment, I just want to f**k it all off go for a massive drive and have a really long cry, I hear of people braking up and moving on and always think how do they do it, I can't do it, honestly feel like sitting in a corner and just crying.
SmoothCriminal
Well-Known Member
I’m expecting my third this year haha! Hope it’s a boy an likes trowelsFking 1 was enough with me thought of 3 makes me feel sick! Guess that's why that one ended over 20 years ago or maybe the fact I was a complete player and wouldn't settle down may have sommat to do with it
Congratulations bud, as long as their healthy that's all that matters, count your blessings mate.I’m expecting my third this year haha! Hope it’s a boy an likes trowels
smoother09
Well-Known Member
God don't bring the poor kid into this trade! Give him a football at 3 months and hope he turns into the next RonaldoI’m expecting my third this year haha! Hope it’s a boy an likes trowels
then sit back and enjoy retirement in your 7 bed villa in the Maldives SmoothCriminal
Well-Known Member
Sounds like the stopping could be a issue for her.. I think it’s more common than ya think. My girlfriends mentioned it to me a few times. I’m no expert here though, just a thought. But keep this in mind bud... all you can do is be the best of yourself an offer any help needed an support. Beating yourself up an thinking the worst won’t help a thing.. be positive for yourself an for your kids.
SmoothCriminal
Well-Known Member
Cheers bud. Nah three beautiful girls is also a blessing.
Thank you mate, that's what I need to hear.