I think we should add 'origional' to the end of this little letter..
To the citizens of the United States of America:
"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour', 'colour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be
replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen."
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed
to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit
will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are herby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric
with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed
not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,
so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and
a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one king of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,
but does not involve stopping for rest every twenty seconds or wearing full
Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).